What do I do if I my spouse tells me he/she is homosexual?

When a married man/woman “comes out”, his/her heterosexual spouse loses the one person they would most hope to turn to. Feelings of isolation, betrayal and grief are intense – and absolutely too weighty for anyone to carry alone.

Carefully consider who to confide in. An accompanying sense of guilt or shame will make it difficult to let others in on the matter. Close friends and relatives thus seem the most obvious choice but those closest to you may not always be the best persons to take to the news. Their unguarded response may inadvertently make the situation worse.

Besides, your spouse may not be able to bear knowing that these loved ones now perceive him/her as “the enemy” and view him/her as deviant. This tension may distance them from some of their dearest relationships, and reduce any chance of restoring your marital relationship.

If you do confide in a mutual friend or relative, your spouse has a right to know. Nothing can be more damaging than constantly wondering who knows what at social gatherings or family get-togethers.

Seek knowledgeable support. An objective, healthy third-party perspective can bring new insights to what can feel like a suffocating reality. Seek counsel and assistance preferably from a professional who shares your views and values on marriage and sexuality.

Note to husbands: The wound for a man who now feels as though he’s not been good enough for his wife can be devastating. Recognize that the issue at hand is not your masculinity but your attention to your wife’s feminine and emotional needs.

Beware of seeking affirmation in your vocation or, worse still, in the arms of another woman. You can woo your wife with appropriate emotive responses that take into consideration her feminine makeup, but only paying attention to her sexually will not win her back.